Joe cocker

You know the song "You are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker? You know how it goes:

"You are sooo beautiful...to meeeee"

It's a lovely song, but I have to figure that the woman he was singing about couldn't help but be a little offended. Think about it from her standpoint. Cocker starts singing his heart out:

"You are sooo beautiful..."

At this point, I'm sure she's melting. Loving every minute of it. And then he has to go and ruin it:

"...To me"

Wait. Couldn't he just stop at "You are so beautiful"? By adding "to me", he takes away all of the romance. When he adds "to me", he really ends up saying something like this:

"You are so beautiful, to me. Because you're not really that good looking and no one would believe that I thought you were genuinely beautiful. I needed to add 'to me' so that everyone, including you, would understand that 'beautiful' was more symbolic than it was literal."

That doesn't really fit melodically, so Mr. Cocker had to shorten it a bit.

Sorry, Ms. Love-Interest-of-Joe-Cocker.

I'm sure you're a wonderful person.

Football rulebook

I had a theory that if you didn't know what football was, and you got ahold of the football rulebook, it'd probably sound just as boring as tax law. I figured it was probably hundreds of pages long and goes into excruciating detail about scenarios and situations.

Well, I wasn't too far off. And, it's a pretty funny read at some points.

To start, let's take a look at a snippet from the Preface:

"Where the word “illegal” appears in this rule book, it is an institutional term of art pertaining strictly to actions that violate NFL playing rules. It is not meant to connote illegality under any public law or the rules or regulations of any other organization"

So that means that someone thought that "illegal hands to the face" meant domestic dispute. Plaxico Burress and Michael Vick have enough to deal with off the field, it's good that they don't have to worry about the illegal things they do on the field.

On to some scenarios:

"When the passer goes outside the pocket area and either continues moving with the ball (without attempting to advance the ball as a runner) or throws while on the run, he loses the protection of the one-step rule provided for in (1) above, but he remains covered by all the other special protections afforded to a passer in the pocket (Numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7), as well as the regular unnecessary-roughness rules applicable to all player positions. If the passer stops behind the line and clearly establishes a passing posture, he will then be covered by all of the special protections for passers."

There's no way they're talking about football. Football is fun, exciting. This makes me want to spoon out my eyes...and there's 150 pages of it!

It goes on and on and on. Not to mention the detailed scenarios which determine how to assess penalties:

Fourth-and-10 on B40. On the last play of the first quarter offensive team misses an attempted field goal. Defensive team was offside. There is a strong wind at their back. Ruling: Offensive team has option of extending period by an untimed down. It can put ball in play from the B35 and kick the same way. If the period is not extended, it would be fourth and five on B35 at start of second period.

What the hell does the wind have to do with anything? Do we have to take into account the alignment of the cosmos when determining how to judge a play?

Screw football...this is too tough. Thank God the referees are there to keep the world in balance. I have a new respect for referees.

They're like PhDs in footballology.

All this makes me think...Is tax law as exciting as football, and we just don't know it?

Maybe I just need to get some beers and peanuts and sit in a courtroom in D.C. with a giant foam finger that says "Go Capital Gains Tax!"

McDonald's brilliance

McDonald's has once again shown why it is, hands down, the best fast food chain in the land. While some of you may see the introduction of the new 1/3-pounder as a non-event, I see brilliant business strategy.

With this new burger, they're now able to target a demographic that few people thought existed...the consciously obese.

The consciously obese are an interesting sort; a calculating and exacting people. People that you need to precisely satiate. People for who the quarter-pounder simply isn't enough, and for who the double quarter-pounder is simply disgusting.

Sure, the quarter-pounder is good for the classic fatass. And the double quarter-pounder is good for the indiscriminate obese. But there was nothing for the consciously obese...until now.

Why do you think McDonald's stock is on the rise? It's because they've just opened themselves to an entirely new niche.

No longer will they lose these consciously obese people Old Country Buffet or Golden Corral.

After this, there's just one more market to corner: the unyielding obese (The other group of people that go to the Old Country Buffet and just pull up a chair on the buffet line).

Expect "The Pounder" in the near future.