Kissing

I don't think people realize how important the "mwaaah" part of kissing is. (That's the best term I can use to describe it. It's the action that ends the kiss, the sound that's made when the lips come apart from each other, making that smacking sound.)

But think about it, without that "mwaah", all you have is two people touching lip-to-lip (or lip-to-cheek), and then pulling away. Kissing would be so unbelievably awkward without the "mwaah".

Don't believe me? Next time you kiss your significant other, leave out the "mwaah" part. It's weird. It's borderline creepy. It's like two birds pecking at each other.

And all of this brings up a good point...Why do we do the "mwaah"? It's not something that's inextricable from the kiss, as the above little experiment just showed. It's not as if it's physically impossible to leave out the "mwaah". Yet we do it as second nature. Obviously, you can argue that the "mwaah" is what makes a kiss a kiss, and without it, it's simply not a kiss. But I'm not arguing about what constitutes a kiss, simply about how the kiss came to be defined as such. (No need to rehash the "No True Scotsman" fallacy, killer.)

Our ancestors must've realized how awkward it was to not have the "mwaah", and forced themselves to do it, day after day. Then, through many generations, we just became wired to give the "mwaaah" at the end of a kiss. And it really was a brilliant discovery by our ancestors. Not only does it alleviate any awkwardness, it gives the kiss a definitive ending point.

So really, we have to thank cavemen for:
1. Fire
2. The wheel
3. the "mwaah"

And I'll bet that's why cavemen clubbed women over the head and brought them back to the cave. It was just too awkward and embarassing to kiss them in public.

Joe cocker

You know the song "You are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker? You know how it goes:

"You are sooo beautiful...to meeeee"

It's a lovely song, but I have to figure that the woman he was singing about couldn't help but be a little offended. Think about it from her standpoint. Cocker starts singing his heart out:

"You are sooo beautiful..."

At this point, I'm sure she's melting. Loving every minute of it. And then he has to go and ruin it:

"...To me"

Wait. Couldn't he just stop at "You are so beautiful"? By adding "to me", he takes away all of the romance. When he adds "to me", he really ends up saying something like this:

"You are so beautiful, to me. Because you're not really that good looking and no one would believe that I thought you were genuinely beautiful. I needed to add 'to me' so that everyone, including you, would understand that 'beautiful' was more symbolic than it was literal."

That doesn't really fit melodically, so Mr. Cocker had to shorten it a bit.

Sorry, Ms. Love-Interest-of-Joe-Cocker.

I'm sure you're a wonderful person.

Football rulebook

I had a theory that if you didn't know what football was, and you got ahold of the football rulebook, it'd probably sound just as boring as tax law. I figured it was probably hundreds of pages long and goes into excruciating detail about scenarios and situations.

Well, I wasn't too far off. And, it's a pretty funny read at some points.

To start, let's take a look at a snippet from the Preface:

"Where the word “illegal” appears in this rule book, it is an institutional term of art pertaining strictly to actions that violate NFL playing rules. It is not meant to connote illegality under any public law or the rules or regulations of any other organization"

So that means that someone thought that "illegal hands to the face" meant domestic dispute. Plaxico Burress and Michael Vick have enough to deal with off the field, it's good that they don't have to worry about the illegal things they do on the field.

On to some scenarios:

"When the passer goes outside the pocket area and either continues moving with the ball (without attempting to advance the ball as a runner) or throws while on the run, he loses the protection of the one-step rule provided for in (1) above, but he remains covered by all the other special protections afforded to a passer in the pocket (Numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7), as well as the regular unnecessary-roughness rules applicable to all player positions. If the passer stops behind the line and clearly establishes a passing posture, he will then be covered by all of the special protections for passers."

There's no way they're talking about football. Football is fun, exciting. This makes me want to spoon out my eyes...and there's 150 pages of it!

It goes on and on and on. Not to mention the detailed scenarios which determine how to assess penalties:

Fourth-and-10 on B40. On the last play of the first quarter offensive team misses an attempted field goal. Defensive team was offside. There is a strong wind at their back. Ruling: Offensive team has option of extending period by an untimed down. It can put ball in play from the B35 and kick the same way. If the period is not extended, it would be fourth and five on B35 at start of second period.

What the hell does the wind have to do with anything? Do we have to take into account the alignment of the cosmos when determining how to judge a play?

Screw football...this is too tough. Thank God the referees are there to keep the world in balance. I have a new respect for referees.

They're like PhDs in footballology.

All this makes me think...Is tax law as exciting as football, and we just don't know it?

Maybe I just need to get some beers and peanuts and sit in a courtroom in D.C. with a giant foam finger that says "Go Capital Gains Tax!"

McDonald's brilliance

McDonald's has once again shown why it is, hands down, the best fast food chain in the land. While some of you may see the introduction of the new 1/3-pounder as a non-event, I see brilliant business strategy.

With this new burger, they're now able to target a demographic that few people thought existed...the consciously obese.

The consciously obese are an interesting sort; a calculating and exacting people. People that you need to precisely satiate. People for who the quarter-pounder simply isn't enough, and for who the double quarter-pounder is simply disgusting.

Sure, the quarter-pounder is good for the classic fatass. And the double quarter-pounder is good for the indiscriminate obese. But there was nothing for the consciously obese...until now.

Why do you think McDonald's stock is on the rise? It's because they've just opened themselves to an entirely new niche.

No longer will they lose these consciously obese people Old Country Buffet or Golden Corral.

After this, there's just one more market to corner: the unyielding obese (The other group of people that go to the Old Country Buffet and just pull up a chair on the buffet line).

Expect "The Pounder" in the near future.

Life is a Highway?

I recently heard Tom Cochrane's 'Life is a Highway' (yes, he was the original artist, not Rascal Flatts, who re-did it for that cartoon movie), and didn't really get the analogy.

When I drive on a highway, it's typically pretty damn boring. Not much more going on other than the driving. Maybe some music, some conversation, but that's about it. And if there happens to be traffic on the highway, then it's just a sucky experience.

I'm pretty sure I'm in the majority on this one. Is anyone out there having a kickass time driving 75mph on the interstate while they listen to radio stations that fade in and out?

Maybe for rock stars it's different. You get those big-ass touring buses, filled with hookers and cocaine (they come standard, right?). So I'm sure riding the highway is just one big party. And if you hit traffic, it doesn't matter, because you're soaking in the hot tub drinking freshly-blended margaritas anyway, waiting for your rotisserie chicken to finish. (again, I think rotisserie ovens are standard on those big buses...at least that's what The Simpsons has taught me)

I guess I've heard a lot of "life is like" analogies. Some are good, some are quirky, but I'm having some trouble grasping this one.

What stinks is, I actually kinda dig the song.

Maybe Mr. Cochrane will invite me on his bus at some point in life. I'd even settle for Rascal Flatts.

The fn key

I think my favorite key on any keyboard is the "Fn" key. Why? It's the F--in key! You can curse at someone whenever you talk about it, and they won't be sure if you're actually cursing at them.

"Click the icon, then hold down the f---in key, and press 'P'".

I wish they would just re-work the letters on it so it was officially the "f---in" key.

The Stapler face

Just about every stapler has two "settings" (for lack of a better term). There's the standard setting that everyone's used to, which curls the ends of the staple inward, forming a lock on paper that's impervious to just about anything (except staple removers, which I'm pretty sure have to be diamond-tipped to remove a staple)

And then there's the setting that pushes the staples outward. I don't think I've ever used that setting, and am frankly a little afraid about what might happen if I did. I think the world would actually collapse in on itself. Don't try it. You'll be tempting fate.

My theory is that the stapler manufacturers were bored, and they wanted the metal piece to be a smiley face, a la Wilson from Castaway.

So we have people that have gone insane from being stranded on a desert island designing and manufacturing our staplers.

What a wonderful world

I think I feel bad for Louis Armstrong (and Bob Thiele and George David Weiss).

Every time I hear "What a Wonderful World" played on a TV show or movie, it's always juxtaposed against a particularly gruesome or dystopian scene:

Good Morning Vietnam
Bowling for Columbine
The Simpsons (when Lisa takes prescription drugs to "ignore it all")
and I'm sure many others.

It's only fault was being too great of a song; too uplifting. Now whenever I hear that song, my natural reaction is to become sad because I know that somewhere, something bad is happening. That song is simply the soundtrack to whatever bad act is occurring.

Sorry, Louis Armstrong.

Autistic Child in Area

I was driving the other day and saw a street sign that read: "Caution: Autistic Child in Area"; you know, similar to those "Caution: Blind Child in Area" signs.

That got me thinking. What am I supposed to do if I encounter this child while driving?

Blindness is something I can comprehend...the kid can't see. Easy enough, I just drive slowly and tell him/her that they're in the middle of the street if they mistakenly wander into the road.

But what about autism? They can't just put a sign like that up and expect everyone to automatically know what to do. Even Autism advocates themselves will admit that it's still a relatively mysterious disease. So the sign should really read "Caution: You would have no idea how to deal with an autistic kid if he were to wander into the street right this instant. You are so ignorant, how do you live with yourself? You make me sick."

To make things worse, it turns out there are varying degrees of autism, from Asperger's to Rett Syndrome to CDD. So now you're even more screwed. Not only does this kid have a disease that you know nothing about, but chances are you won't even figure out which type of autism he's got.

Maybe we can form a game plan if we identify some common symptoms:
- trouble interacting with others
- unemotional
- unable to hold eye contact
- unable to speak
- obsessive fixation on specific items, subjects, etc.
- views people simply as objects

So now what? If this kid runs out into the street (well, that eliminates Rett Syndrome, which is typically characterized by an inability to walk):
- you can't yell at him/her, because they won't understand the urgency of the situation evidenced by your emotion.
- You can't drive slowly toward them, hoping they'll move, since there's a chance that they've become fixated on your car.
- You can't hope to ask them questions, since they may not speak to you.

So I guess the sign should read "Caution: you need to write a check to AutismSpeaks.com because if that kid wandered into the street right now, you'd be f--ed. Or you can stop your car, crawl into the fetal position, suck your thumb, and hope everything gets better."

Electrolytes

I'm kind of angry at Gatorade.

Since the beginning, they've been toting the fact that their drinks contain "electrolytes" which must be replenished after a hard workout. And while that's true, I think they're taking a little too much credit. By using the word "electrolyte", they're hoping you'll conjure up images of a team of mad scientists working dangerously with electricity and chemicals to create a complex and intricate balance of ion substances that are so volatile that any slight jarring would cause a massive explosion.

Not quite.

A first glance at the definition of electrolytes might indeed make you think the Gatorade people are super smart:

"any substance that dissociates into ions when dissolved in a suitable medium or melted and thus forms a conductor of electricity"

But let's keep reading:

"...mainly sodium, potassium, magnesium, calcium, chloride..."

That's right. Gatorade was successfully able to mix water with salt.

Bravo.

But I guess we need to give them credit for all of those neato colors.

It just proves that if you use big enough words, you can sound smarter than you actually are.

Next time I finish a long run, I'm drinking water and eating some potato chips.

Gum commercials

Has gum chewing become a futuristic, near-orgasmic experience? If I'm to believe these new '5' Gum commercials, then yes. You've seen the commercials. The guy laying on a floor full of ball bearings, while a giant sub-woofer pounds the ground, and the narrator tells us that the gum is "tingly" (which sounds like a dirty word itself). And the dude on the ground is just laying there with one of those post-climax looks on his face.


All of a sudden, chewing gum has gone from blowing bubbles to blowing...well, you get the point.

I'm pretty sure that gum is pretty much the same as its been for the past 100 years. You unwrap the gum, and you chew it. The flavor lasts for about 5 minutes, and then it's gone. That's it.

No orgasm.

No out-of-body experience.

Just a slightly higher risk of cavities. Holes in your teeth...Now that's sexy.

Grills vs. Bottled Water

People get made fun of for buying bottled water. And that's fair enough. Why pay $2 for something that's not only free, but abundant? I think Lewis Black nailed it in his bit.

But if spending $2 on water is silly, then spending $200 on a grill is just crazy talk.

When you buy the bottle of water, you're getting a few things:
1. water - Obvious, yes. But I can't make my own water, unless I pee into a filter, and drink it. And that, my friend, is not happening anytime soon.
2. A container - Not only do you get water, but you get to take it with you. pretty snazzy.

So I can almost justify the $2 on the bottle of water.

Now, let's look at what you get with a grill:
1. Fire - Nothing a couple matches and some paper can't solve. Nothing stopping me from doing that.
2. A container - I'm pretty sure a trash can will suffice (I haven't talked to any homeless people recently, but I've seen the "Eye of the Tiger" video a few times...trash cans can make nice fire holders.)

So we pay 100 times as much for something that really doesn't give us anything new. Oh, but I guess I forgot about all the stainless steel gadgets and widgets and doors and griddles and trays.

And you could even spend $2000 on a monstrosity that has warmers and multiple levels and temperature gauges and a massage chair and a beer holder and a meat dehydrator and orange juicer and a robotic handjob arm.

I think homeless people got it right on this one...well, I might pay $2000 for a robotic handjob arm.

Extreme Eating

Reason #347 to envy babies:

Whenever babies eat, they get strapped into their chair in a 5-point harness. I don't care what you say, that's exciting. Even though it's probably just strained peas and carrots, it opens the possibility that lunch could involve skydiving or BASE jumping.

Even if there's not a freefall involved, you can just go to town on your food, and have no concerns about falling out of your chair. It happens to everyone at some point: You enter a trance where you become one with your food and lose your sense of self. Chicken Wings, corn on the cob, a juicy burger; Everyone has their own Achille's Veal.

And when you enter that state, you wish you could just demolish that sandwich without having to worry about things like gravity and balance, let alone getting sauce on your face.

facebook status

I don't know who I should be angrier with:
1. people who make stupid, mundane facebook updates
2. Myself, for continuously reading them, thinking that they're bound to be interesting.

Some updates that I see are on par with what a 2nd grader writes when they're forced to write a letter to a pen-pal for Grammar class. You make the call. Is the following a facebook update from a d-bag, or a pen-pal letter I wrote in the 2nd grade?

Dear Billy,
How are you? I am fine. Mrs. Doobley said that your in the 2nd grade just like I'm in the 2nd grade. But you live in Mississippi, which is where the Mississippi river is. Is it nice? I saw a picture of it and it looks nice. I would like to go swimming in it. Is it cold? It looks fun.
From,
Mark

If you guessed "pen-pal letter", you'd be wrong. Sadly, this is one of the more interesting facebook posts I've seen.