I recently heard Tom Cochrane's 'Life is a Highway' (yes, he was the original artist, not Rascal Flatts, who re-did it for that cartoon movie), and didn't really get the analogy.
When I drive on a highway, it's typically pretty damn boring. Not much more going on other than the driving. Maybe some music, some conversation, but that's about it. And if there happens to be traffic on the highway, then it's just a sucky experience.
I'm pretty sure I'm in the majority on this one. Is anyone out there having a kickass time driving 75mph on the interstate while they listen to radio stations that fade in and out?
Maybe for rock stars it's different. You get those big-ass touring buses, filled with hookers and cocaine (they come standard, right?). So I'm sure riding the highway is just one big party. And if you hit traffic, it doesn't matter, because you're soaking in the hot tub drinking freshly-blended margaritas anyway, waiting for your rotisserie chicken to finish. (again, I think rotisserie ovens are standard on those big buses...at least that's what The Simpsons has taught me)
I guess I've heard a lot of "life is like" analogies. Some are good, some are quirky, but I'm having some trouble grasping this one.
What stinks is, I actually kinda dig the song.
Maybe Mr. Cochrane will invite me on his bus at some point in life. I'd even settle for Rascal Flatts.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The fn key
I think my favorite key on any keyboard is the "Fn" key. Why? It's the F--in key! You can curse at someone whenever you talk about it, and they won't be sure if you're actually cursing at them.
"Click the icon, then hold down the f---in key, and press 'P'".
I wish they would just re-work the letters on it so it was officially the "f---in" key.
The Stapler face
Just about every stapler has two "settings" (for lack of a better term). There's the standard setting that everyone's used to, which curls the ends of the staple inward, forming a lock on paper that's impervious to just about anything (except staple removers, which I'm pretty sure have to be diamond-tipped to remove a staple)
And then there's the setting that pushes the staples outward. I don't think I've ever used that setting, and am frankly a little afraid about what might happen if I did. I think the world would actually collapse in on itself. Don't try it. You'll be tempting fate.
My theory is that the stapler manufacturers were bored, and they wanted the metal piece to be a smiley face, a la Wilson from Castaway.
So we have people that have gone insane from being stranded on a desert island designing and manufacturing our staplers.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
What a wonderful world
I think I feel bad for Louis Armstrong (and Bob Thiele and George David Weiss).
Every time I hear "What a Wonderful World" played on a TV show or movie, it's always juxtaposed against a particularly gruesome or dystopian scene:
Good Morning Vietnam
Bowling for Columbine
The Simpsons (when Lisa takes prescription drugs to "ignore it all")
and I'm sure many others.
It's only fault was being too great of a song; too uplifting. Now whenever I hear that song, my natural reaction is to become sad because I know that somewhere, something bad is happening. That song is simply the soundtrack to whatever bad act is occurring.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Autistic Child in Area
I was driving the other day and saw a street sign that read: "Caution: Autistic Child in Area"; you know, similar to those "Caution: Blind Child in Area" signs.
That got me thinking. What am I supposed to do if I encounter this child while driving?
Blindness is something I can comprehend...the kid can't see. Easy enough, I just drive slowly and tell him/her that they're in the middle of the street if they mistakenly wander into the road.
But what about autism? They can't just put a sign like that up and expect everyone to automatically know what to do. Even Autism advocates themselves will admit that it's still a relatively mysterious disease. So the sign should really read "Caution: You would have no idea how to deal with an autistic kid if he were to wander into the street right this instant. You are so ignorant, how do you live with yourself? You make me sick."
To make things worse, it turns out there are varying degrees of autism, from Asperger's to Rett Syndrome to CDD. So now you're even more screwed. Not only does this kid have a disease that you know nothing about, but chances are you won't even figure out which type of autism he's got.
Maybe we can form a game plan if we identify some common symptoms:
- trouble interacting with others
- unemotional
- unable to hold eye contact
- unable to speak
- obsessive fixation on specific items, subjects, etc.
- views people simply as objects
So now what? If this kid runs out into the street (well, that eliminates Rett Syndrome, which is typically characterized by an inability to walk):
- you can't yell at him/her, because they won't understand the urgency of the situation evidenced by your emotion.
- You can't drive slowly toward them, hoping they'll move, since there's a chance that they've become fixated on your car.
- You can't hope to ask them questions, since they may not speak to you.
So I guess the sign should read "Caution: you need to write a check to AutismSpeaks.com because if that kid wandered into the street right now, you'd be f--ed. Or you can stop your car, crawl into the fetal position, suck your thumb, and hope everything gets better."
That got me thinking. What am I supposed to do if I encounter this child while driving?
Blindness is something I can comprehend...the kid can't see. Easy enough, I just drive slowly and tell him/her that they're in the middle of the street if they mistakenly wander into the road.
But what about autism? They can't just put a sign like that up and expect everyone to automatically know what to do. Even Autism advocates themselves will admit that it's still a relatively mysterious disease. So the sign should really read "Caution: You would have no idea how to deal with an autistic kid if he were to wander into the street right this instant. You are so ignorant, how do you live with yourself? You make me sick."
To make things worse, it turns out there are varying degrees of autism, from Asperger's to Rett Syndrome to CDD. So now you're even more screwed. Not only does this kid have a disease that you know nothing about, but chances are you won't even figure out which type of autism he's got.
Maybe we can form a game plan if we identify some common symptoms:
- trouble interacting with others
- unemotional
- unable to hold eye contact
- unable to speak
- obsessive fixation on specific items, subjects, etc.
- views people simply as objects
So now what? If this kid runs out into the street (well, that eliminates Rett Syndrome, which is typically characterized by an inability to walk):
- you can't yell at him/her, because they won't understand the urgency of the situation evidenced by your emotion.
- You can't drive slowly toward them, hoping they'll move, since there's a chance that they've become fixated on your car.
- You can't hope to ask them questions, since they may not speak to you.
So I guess the sign should read "Caution: you need to write a check to AutismSpeaks.com because if that kid wandered into the street right now, you'd be f--ed. Or you can stop your car, crawl into the fetal position, suck your thumb, and hope everything gets better."
Monday, July 6, 2009
Electrolytes
I'm kind of angry at Gatorade.
Since the beginning, they've been toting the fact that their drinks contain "electrolytes" which must be replenished after a hard workout. And while that's true, I think they're taking a little too much credit. By using the word "electrolyte", they're hoping you'll conjure up images of a team of mad scientists working dangerously with electricity and chemicals to create a complex and intricate balance of ion substances that are so volatile that any slight jarring would cause a massive explosion.
Not quite.
A first glance at the definition of electrolytes might indeed make you think the Gatorade people are super smart:
"any substance that dissociates into ions when dissolved in a suitable medium or melted and thus forms a conductor of electricity"
But let's keep reading:
"...mainly sodium, potassium, magnesium, calcium, chloride..."
That's right. Gatorade was successfully able to mix water with salt.
Bravo.
But I guess we need to give them credit for all of those neato colors.
It just proves that if you use big enough words, you can sound smarter than you actually are.
Next time I finish a long run, I'm drinking water and eating some potato chips.
Since the beginning, they've been toting the fact that their drinks contain "electrolytes" which must be replenished after a hard workout. And while that's true, I think they're taking a little too much credit. By using the word "electrolyte", they're hoping you'll conjure up images of a team of mad scientists working dangerously with electricity and chemicals to create a complex and intricate balance of ion substances that are so volatile that any slight jarring would cause a massive explosion.
Not quite.
A first glance at the definition of electrolytes might indeed make you think the Gatorade people are super smart:
"any substance that dissociates into ions when dissolved in a suitable medium or melted and thus forms a conductor of electricity"
But let's keep reading:
"...mainly sodium, potassium, magnesium, calcium, chloride..."
That's right. Gatorade was successfully able to mix water with salt.
Bravo.
But I guess we need to give them credit for all of those neato colors.
It just proves that if you use big enough words, you can sound smarter than you actually are.
Next time I finish a long run, I'm drinking water and eating some potato chips.
Gum commercials
Has gum chewing become a futuristic, near-orgasmic experience? If I'm to believe these new '5' Gum commercials, then yes. You've seen the commercials. The guy laying on a floor full of ball bearings, while a giant sub-woofer pounds the ground, and the narrator tells us that the gum is "tingly" (which sounds like a dirty word itself). And the dude on the ground is just laying there with one of those post-climax looks on his face.
All of a sudden, chewing gum has gone from blowing bubbles to blowing...well, you get the point.
I'm pretty sure that gum is pretty much the same as its been for the past 100 years. You unwrap the gum, and you chew it. The flavor lasts for about 5 minutes, and then it's gone. That's it.
No orgasm.
No out-of-body experience.
Just a slightly higher risk of cavities. Holes in your teeth...Now that's sexy.
All of a sudden, chewing gum has gone from blowing bubbles to blowing...well, you get the point.
I'm pretty sure that gum is pretty much the same as its been for the past 100 years. You unwrap the gum, and you chew it. The flavor lasts for about 5 minutes, and then it's gone. That's it.
No orgasm.
No out-of-body experience.
Just a slightly higher risk of cavities. Holes in your teeth...Now that's sexy.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Grills vs. Bottled Water
People get made fun of for buying bottled water. And that's fair enough. Why pay $2 for something that's not only free, but abundant? I think Lewis Black nailed it in his bit.
But if spending $2 on water is silly, then spending $200 on a grill is just crazy talk.
When you buy the bottle of water, you're getting a few things:
1. water - Obvious, yes. But I can't make my own water, unless I pee into a filter, and drink it. And that, my friend, is not happening anytime soon.
2. A container - Not only do you get water, but you get to take it with you. pretty snazzy.
So I can almost justify the $2 on the bottle of water.
Now, let's look at what you get with a grill:
1. Fire - Nothing a couple matches and some paper can't solve. Nothing stopping me from doing that.
2. A container - I'm pretty sure a trash can will suffice (I haven't talked to any homeless people recently, but I've seen the "Eye of the Tiger" video a few times...trash cans can make nice fire holders.)
So we pay 100 times as much for something that really doesn't give us anything new. Oh, but I guess I forgot about all the stainless steel gadgets and widgets and doors and griddles and trays.
And you could even spend $2000 on a monstrosity that has warmers and multiple levels and temperature gauges and a massage chair and a beer holder and a meat dehydrator and orange juicer and a robotic handjob arm.
I think homeless people got it right on this one...well, I might pay $2000 for a robotic handjob arm.
But if spending $2 on water is silly, then spending $200 on a grill is just crazy talk.
When you buy the bottle of water, you're getting a few things:
1. water - Obvious, yes. But I can't make my own water, unless I pee into a filter, and drink it. And that, my friend, is not happening anytime soon.
2. A container - Not only do you get water, but you get to take it with you. pretty snazzy.
So I can almost justify the $2 on the bottle of water.
Now, let's look at what you get with a grill:
1. Fire - Nothing a couple matches and some paper can't solve. Nothing stopping me from doing that.
2. A container - I'm pretty sure a trash can will suffice (I haven't talked to any homeless people recently, but I've seen the "Eye of the Tiger" video a few times...trash cans can make nice fire holders.)
So we pay 100 times as much for something that really doesn't give us anything new. Oh, but I guess I forgot about all the stainless steel gadgets and widgets and doors and griddles and trays.
And you could even spend $2000 on a monstrosity that has warmers and multiple levels and temperature gauges and a massage chair and a beer holder and a meat dehydrator and orange juicer and a robotic handjob arm.
I think homeless people got it right on this one...well, I might pay $2000 for a robotic handjob arm.
Extreme Eating
Reason #347 to envy babies:
Whenever babies eat, they get strapped into their chair in a 5-point harness. I don't care what you say, that's exciting. Even though it's probably just strained peas and carrots, it opens the possibility that lunch could involve skydiving or BASE jumping.
Even if there's not a freefall involved, you can just go to town on your food, and have no concerns about falling out of your chair. It happens to everyone at some point: You enter a trance where you become one with your food and lose your sense of self. Chicken Wings, corn on the cob, a juicy burger; Everyone has their own Achille's Veal.
And when you enter that state, you wish you could just demolish that sandwich without having to worry about things like gravity and balance, let alone getting sauce on your face.
Whenever babies eat, they get strapped into their chair in a 5-point harness. I don't care what you say, that's exciting. Even though it's probably just strained peas and carrots, it opens the possibility that lunch could involve skydiving or BASE jumping.
Even if there's not a freefall involved, you can just go to town on your food, and have no concerns about falling out of your chair. It happens to everyone at some point: You enter a trance where you become one with your food and lose your sense of self. Chicken Wings, corn on the cob, a juicy burger; Everyone has their own Achille's Veal.
And when you enter that state, you wish you could just demolish that sandwich without having to worry about things like gravity and balance, let alone getting sauce on your face.
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