Electrolytes

I'm kind of angry at Gatorade.

Since the beginning, they've been toting the fact that their drinks contain "electrolytes" which must be replenished after a hard workout. And while that's true, I think they're taking a little too much credit. By using the word "electrolyte", they're hoping you'll conjure up images of a team of mad scientists working dangerously with electricity and chemicals to create a complex and intricate balance of ion substances that are so volatile that any slight jarring would cause a massive explosion.

Not quite.

A first glance at the definition of electrolytes might indeed make you think the Gatorade people are super smart:

"any substance that dissociates into ions when dissolved in a suitable medium or melted and thus forms a conductor of electricity"

But let's keep reading:

"...mainly sodium, potassium, magnesium, calcium, chloride..."

That's right. Gatorade was successfully able to mix water with salt.

Bravo.

But I guess we need to give them credit for all of those neato colors.

It just proves that if you use big enough words, you can sound smarter than you actually are.

Next time I finish a long run, I'm drinking water and eating some potato chips.

Gum commercials

Has gum chewing become a futuristic, near-orgasmic experience? If I'm to believe these new '5' Gum commercials, then yes. You've seen the commercials. The guy laying on a floor full of ball bearings, while a giant sub-woofer pounds the ground, and the narrator tells us that the gum is "tingly" (which sounds like a dirty word itself). And the dude on the ground is just laying there with one of those post-climax looks on his face.


All of a sudden, chewing gum has gone from blowing bubbles to blowing...well, you get the point.

I'm pretty sure that gum is pretty much the same as its been for the past 100 years. You unwrap the gum, and you chew it. The flavor lasts for about 5 minutes, and then it's gone. That's it.

No orgasm.

No out-of-body experience.

Just a slightly higher risk of cavities. Holes in your teeth...Now that's sexy.